“Who am I?”
“Where am I good at?”
“I want to die!”
“I can die right now and no one will ever look for me.”
“I am all alone in this world.”
“Am I really that hard to love?”
“When will I be happy?”
“Why is it so hard to be happy?”
I sh!t you not. For three years, I have constantly stared at the nothingness, wept silently, sometimes hysterically and asked these questions and but there weren’t answers.
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“God, are you even real?” The right part of my brain asked.
“Of course He isn’t. You will see Him otherwise. Silly!” The left side of my brain answered.
For nearly three years, these words were constant part of my daily routine and most days, they dominated my entire being until I couldn’t tell which is real and which isn’t anymore but couldn’t admit that I felt like I was dying from my own misery.
One day, I decided to write them down. And until one day, I started feeling bad for my poor journal for all the horribly negative things written there and even I couldn’t stand reading them.
I asked and asked and cried and cried and wrote and wrote.
Until one day I woke up not wanting to write these anymore and for a change, write the things that I was still thankful for.
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Until one day, all I could write about was just good things and got addicted to it.
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In my now more rational mind, I’d ask myself, how could I leave everything behind, my job, my friends, my life and ask myself these questions?
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I kept saying I wanted to die when all I really wanted to happen was for the pain to stop. You see, I never had enough words.
How did I get lost? I was so sure to follow every single tip I have read in the magazines. I have made sure that my family, my friends and other people would like me but why did I not like me?
How could I go wrong with what others are doing? Why did I not know myself?
Somewhere between these written words and my self-sabotaging self talks, I have seen a pattern. My pattern. And I worked and still working so hard to reverse them.
How my life changed since I found myself?
I guess this isn’t even a statement that could phrase it well. I didn’t find myself.
Better statement would be, “How my life changed since I allowed myself to listen to what my heart tells me.”
I don’t always wake up motivated, positive and ready to create but I am training myself to stick to my routines. I realized that once I have converted these to habits, doing them everyday becomes effortless.
Ditched the Scarcity Mindset
Becoming a minimalist made room for so many things in my life.
I suddenly have a lot of time to redesign my life because I am not distracted by my material possessions anymore. I only have few belongings.
Since becoming a minimalist, I have extra funds for improving myself, my life and pursuing my passion and fulfilling my life purpose.
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I truly believe that even if I am not a part of the corporate world anymore and have no fixed income, I am living in abundance. Everything I visualized is starting to happen.
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My daily gratitude challenge has shifted my mind to see the world as a better place to live in by spending quality time with the only few people left in the new life I have designed and the passion I am pursuing.
There’s now more meaning in what I do.
I loved juggling so many things at the same time. I thought it was what I was made to be hence the self-proclaimed ADHD.
But this has left me with nothing accomplished. Yup. “Jack of all trade is a master of none” was how you can describe me.
Wanting and being in so many place all the same time didn’t just made me tired and overwhelmed all the time, it stole my productivity. I kept on missing my targets.
When I trained myself to have a laser-sharp focus, I saw better results.
Trying to make a living while growing this website and wanting to finish my book for example did not just made me feel hungry and drained all the time. There was really nothing done.
When I put finishing my book on hold to focus on growing my website, I was elated. It exploded. I stopped trying to master growing every social media channel. I chose one and I tried to learn what I could about it then moved on to the next until I can blog full time.
I have accepted the fact that I don’t have the staff like the other big bloggers so I can’t expect everything to be perfect sailing. This didn’t just change my blogging game, it also made me see the results I wanted to see.
Respect for my Journey’s Pace
I need to remind myself that these days, I am like a toddler who’s learning how to crawl before I can stand, walk and run again. I am given the chance to reboot my life so I need to really be patient in order to avoid stumbling and hitting rock bottom again.
Reminding myself to respect my own pace to make space for healing, recovery, starting over and growth has changed the way I look at what I am doing. It has made me calmer when before, I would have panic attacks every five minutes.
I don’t want to skip this transition stage in my life where I am one step ahead my old life and one step forward the new one that starts to look and feel more interesting.
Learning to respect my new pace is teaching me a different kind of patience.
Instead of trying to control and suppress my feelings and negative thoughts and beating myself up for it, I welcome and acknowledge them.
However, I refuse to believe the negative voice in my head.
I observe myself like how a scientist would her guinea pigs. This changed the way I deal with my depression and anxiety. I would ask myself questions and I would try to find reasons why my energy is worth or not using if I will react in a certain way.
After my morning routine, I will start the day by writing my daily intentions if I didn’t the night before.
Maybe this is what Germans will find BS because they grew up with an exaggerated amount of order. From the government to their road behavior to their holidays being planned a year or months in advance, to their tidy houses, their appointments, their punctuality and value for time; everything is just organized and planned. (At least most Germans I know. Except for my boyfriend who’s really spontaneous for a German.)
To someone like me who grew up without this, it is quite something to get used to.
I have learned to ask myself whenever I am undecided about something, “Is this in alignment with the life I want to live or is this just a waste of time, money and energy?”
I have learned how to narrow down my list to what supports my newfound life purpose.
If doing something doesn’t bring me closer to my goal, I am happier to pass. I am no longer scared to miss out.
This is me being extra careful not to get lost again and part of my monthly intentions is goal setting. I want to track my progress down. Trust me, nothing beats the joy brought by knowing that all efforts are paying off.
If there’s one thing I treasure so much these days, it’s my time alone. Even if I am already in a relationship, I still would treat myself out in a fancy restaurant like I normally would when I was not in a relationship.
I still would go picnic by the river with just my notes and books.
If I spend time with other people, I still want to spend time with myself to truly hear what my heart says which is harder to hear when I’m surrounded by noise and chaos.
This way, I can connect well with my true and authentic self. The same reason why I love meditating.
The Art of Resting
After discovering my true passion, I have been unconsciously hustling. It’s what my subconscious has been dictating me.
I feel that I have a lot to catch up on. No matter how exhausted I am, I can’t seem to disconnect. I am always wired which is very bad because I behave differently when I am exhausted.
My depression relapses. I sob uncontrolably. My anxiety attacks. I couldn’t sleep. I just suddenly turn to a child who doesn’t have enough words to describe what’s bothering me when it just meant nap time because a part of my brain has already shut down.
Though I am head over heels with what I am doing now, I don’t want to risk quitting it just because of burn out.
I noticed that I can create better when I feel fully rested. I listen to my body and not force it to work when I strongly feel that it doesn’t want to no matter how much I need to earn money not just for myself but also for my family back home.
I am resting more now. I have a self care routine.
Inspiration overflows when I am fully rested. I can even finish an article in less than half an hour.
Mastering the art of resting made me ask myself, “Am I slacking off?” but no. Resting allows me to stay creative.
Rest is another skill that I want to master. I want it to become my new habit.
Forgiving though I couldn’t forget
It’s not easy to forget but I am letting go of all the heavy load my heart has been carrying all this time.
Most of all, I am forgiving myself for my mistakes brought by my wish to try new things, better myself and my only life.
It also hurt me to unintentionally hurt people around me but I needed to do what I did to be able to start anew because I can’t change my life doing what I used to do which didn’t bring me anywhere near the life that I envisioned for myself.
I am learning to forgive even if I didn’t receive any apology nor appreciation for my efforts. This made me question my worth a thousand times but I am letting of them go and move on with my life even alone. I stopped telling myself that I am not enough.
I am learning to forgive by being grateful that I am starting to be blessed with a different kind of understanding and a different kind of respect for other people’s pace of growth.
Forgiving is easier when I got to terms with myself but doesn’t mean that I forget. I just choose to unload the excess baggage for my inner peace that was so hard to find.
Chase my wildest dreams
Finding myself made me take full responsibility of my life and take it to where I know I will be truly happy. I owe it to myself.
I don’t want to blame someone when time’s up.
I am a third world village girl where we are not pressured to move out and start adulting at 18.
We are still being told what we are supposed to do until adult age which makes “but you’re already an adult and can take care very well of yourself” almost nonsense to us.
To us, if we don’t follow our parents, we will be forever scared of karma and badluck for not following which to me is some form of emotional blackmail and torture.
How can I maximize my own potential if I am not allowed to or if I know that my family is not happy for what I want to do with my life?
I need to let this go and chase my dreams because if I wouldn’t, who will do it for me?
Self Esteem. Self Confidence. Self Trust. Self Acceptance.
Finding myself has done incredible things to my confidence.. Finally, I have wholehearted embraced every little thing about me that made me feel so insecured about. My flaws, flabs, emotionally intelligent heart and fickle-minded brain.
I still doubt myself and my abilities most of the time but I have learned to finally stop letting my fears control me. I still doubt myself but I still hit publish even when my hands are shaking.
Sometimes I’m scared that I am oversharing and ashamed of telling my story but I realized that this blog is what prevented me from visiting a psychologist, the chances of being under medication and being depended to it.
My poor and impulsive life choices has made me suffer but without it, I wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t find me. I wouldn’t set myself loose from the unending cycle of being lost and wanting so bad to be found.
My mistakes lead me to be the person I’m designed to be.
To make mistakes is not my choice. To hit rock bottom was not my wish but to stay in the dark without deciding to end it would be my fault.
To change is my choice and it is now a part of my story.
Girl, I’d love to hear your story of change.
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