I mindlessly walked in the park where I used to kill time while waiting for my next German class today.
I forced to get myself to get off bed to do my Christmas shopping even if all I wanted was to curl up and read.
As I slowly started heading to the bus stop, my subconscious mind also started checking if I was able to get what I wanted to give everyone. This shopping was against my minimalist lifestyle but I gave it an exception.
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I can also do my last minute shopping on Monday but I didn’t want to stress myself because stores would only be open until 12. I didn’t want to rush. For my boyfriend’s friends and family, I baked Filipino dessert. I am all set.
But what would I get for myself?
I stopped walking before I even reached the benches so I could sit but I continued jabbing on my phone. I know I looked like someone who has hopeless smartphone addiction but in reality, I was writing.
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I continued walking and writing.
Every little movement, people headed to different directions, the traffic that’s starting to build up, the sun that has started to shine as I waited for the bus all looked blurred from my peripheral view. They gave me today’s prompt.
What am I getting myself this Christmas? The question persisted.
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What do I still want?
I have been practicing minimalism for nearly two years now and personal development books are my biggest investment.
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Little by little, instead of adding more to my to-do list, I am removing more. I want to make sure that everything I am doing is in alignment with how I want my life to look like. I want to make more time for creating, for my passion and for practicing gratitude.
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This isn’t easy and it takes a lot of self-discipline. There are still so many old poor habits that I needed to learn to totally erase in my life to be able to feel the harmony I am searching for.
I am getting hooked to having that smooth flow of positive energy until my fingers start to feel like they are tingling.
What are my priorities? What can wait? What can I live without?
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I am asking myself more questions. I am really taking the time to answer them and I watch closely how the quality of my thoughts and life change.
Mani and pedi, hair spa, hair color, bubble bath, body scrub, spa, sauna, candles, hair masks, facials, yoga and wool socks. Anything cozy.
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Since I took that leap of quitting my job without plan b nor enough money, I have been living roughly. I have fallen into depression, pushed my self-sabotage button uncountable number of times, constantly sought for validation and allowed people to treat me like sh*t just to feel loved and belonging.
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Three years. I allowed that for three years and even more than that. When I started digging deeper and went down the memory lane to have a glimpse of my childhood, I have seen even more horrible things. Do I have to pay to enjoy being alive?
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One main thing that I am adding my self-care kit is forgiveness.
I am working on fully understanding that my meltdowns are normal even if I am not as depressed as before because the traces of anxiety, trauma and depression are in my system and it is normal that healing and transformation takes time and relapses can’t be avoided.
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I am forgiving myself for wanting what is best for me if that is even a thing. In my self-love project, I am working on letting go of whatever guilt I am feeling.
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More self-exploration through new hobbies
I don’t want to leave this world without being able to maximize my potential by trying out different new things.
If I am not writing, attending to my part-time stints, reading, resting or sleeping, I am trying to learn something new. Elizabeth Gilbert was right. “If I am not creating something, I might be destroying something like my peace or happiness.”
I found out that the cure to my writing burnout is trying different things to completely divert my attention. What keeps on surprising me is that in the middle of doing something entirely different, the words, the thoughts and the ideas come without me having to force them.
Just like in everyday life when we need something but we couldn’t find them but once we stopped looking for them, they just magically show up even if we were so convinced that we have looked into that place before.
These days, baking gives me so much fulfillment and contentment that I am so close to launching a food blog. I never learned how to bake because my parents are both diabetic and I just know that sweets and I couldn’t always be together.
But instead of ending up eating what I baked, I am giving them away which makes me hit two birds in one stone: I am learning how to bake and I am making everyday more special by giving these goodies away.
“Be patient with yourself.”
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A guy I once dated told me.
Of all people, I never expected that to come from him given the type of guys I have dated before.
Now I get him but before? How would a rotten spoiled, entitled girl know patience when everything has been handed off to her and the only hardwork she ever knew was losing weight and the only problem she needed to think of was where to shop for another revealing dress to wear to show off that new body?
It was only when I came face to face with rock bottom and experienced being broke that I started to understand what life really is about and how hard it can be.
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There are still so many things I wanted to understand. I still sometimes feel impatient and wanted to speed up the process. I wanted to skip a lot of chapters but my inner life coach always tells my inner child that growth takes time and it can sometimes be blurred and painful but it’s okay.
It is part of the transformation.
Basics of investing
Basic stocks online courses
How can I invest 100 USD?
Passive income ideas
Investment books for beginners
I clicked on my Google search box and I saw them below. They are what I am always searching for and my Amazon is filled with non-fiction and self-help books I wanted to read and sometimes, my anxiety makes me feel that I don’t have enough time.
Why will I not panic? When I was depressed, I thought death was the answer and I kept on wishing to die. What if all of the wishes I have made, dying is next to be granted? Where will I buy more time?
I always needed to go back and remind myself to slow down, be kind to myself because I am trying so hard and I am doing my best.
This goes hand in hand with time.
I need more peace to be able to connect to more with myself and listen to what my instinct is telling me.
If I feel at peace, it’s easier to write, develop ideas, dream bigger and list down my goals. If I feel at peace, it is easier to be kinder, to be more giving, forgiving and more human.
If I feel at peace, it is easier for my higher self to show up and make better decisions and good judgement calls.
It is only when I feel at peace that I can truly connect with the Universe so I can listen well to what it wants to tell me.
Giving myself peace also meant intentionally distancing myself to the noise and distraction of the daily life.
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As no-brainer as it may seem, sleep is one important thing that I am trying to master. I am such a light-sleeper so I am training myself to master the art of napping and I am including it and longer sleep to my everyday self-care routine.
Even Einstein was trying to sleep up to 12 hours a day.
Inventor, entrepreneur, writer or not, you need it. Once you learn how to avoid other distractions you’ll see how much time you really have and you’ll be able to allot more time for resting and sleeping.
Of all the things that I promised to give myself, I am making commitment the mother of all. If I will not commit to loving myself, I will just always take myself for granted even without meaning it.
I don’t want to wait for any other special occasions anymore to start being giving, mindful, aware, thoughtful and loving.
I want do more of these every single day of the coming days and so should you.
Repeat after me:
I will give myself the love that I am longing for even if it is not Christmas or New Year or even if it is not my birthday because I deserve it.
How about you girl, what are you giving yourself this Christmas?
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