Midnight Thoughts: Dear Life, where are we going?

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Dear Diary,

 

It’s almost midnight and I’m oblivious to the fact that I’m grinding my teeth. My brain is on turbo again. Yes Diary. ADHD is attacking. Yes. At this hour.

I opened the window ignoring the cold winter wind from the river that brushed my entire upper body. In few seconds my face will go numb. One last puff I said. Yes diary. I smoked again. I don’t trust myself so much when it comes to swearing to never doing things again. One nasty habit I can’t get rid of. I’m guilty about not being sorry. It felt good. I need it.

 

Dear Life,

 

Where are we going?

 

Duh?! Of course Life doesn’t know. It only brings us to where we are supposed to be. Even Fate doesn’t have much say on this but I sense the connivance. They both know all along but won’t admit. Fate isn’t a spoiler though I wish sometimes it gives even a little clue and not leave me in such limbo.

 

This morning I woke up cursing like a seasoned sailor. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I here? Why did I allow myself to be in this? Will I be like them soon too? I felt alarmed. I want to fly back home ASAP though I have no clue where that is. My head is filled with too much “why’s” and I honestly was too hormonally emotional to be rational. I don’t want to think of answers that will put my brain on fire.

 

Again, I wanted to run so far away not even my thoughts can find me and I will be honest, I don’t know where that is anymore.

 

I remember getting off from the bus and seeing how beautiful this place really is. Then I realized I’m studying.

I need to learn what real life is all about. Easy as that and I was reminded how I secretly wished for this lesson to be taught to me. I know learning this way is more painful and heartbreaking. I chose this path to feel more alive then why am I complaining?

 

Because I felt uncomfortable? Because I felt out of place? “Go Danica! Pack your things and fly back home where it is nice and warm and sunny all year long. Give up on your dreams because they are too impossible to begin with. Give everyone who doubts you a reason to think they are really right to begin with!” It was like a song that played on repeat in my head. It was annoyingly insulting that I struggled too hard to shut it off. Yes. I bitchslapped the bullies in my head. It was hard but I won over it. Maybe next time they attack me I know damn well what to do. But am I the only one in this world who experiences this? Am I the only one who hasn’t figured it out? Am I the only one who hasn’t found which path is for me? Am I the only one who questions the tried and tested path?

 

Am I the only who hopelessly stare at my unread pile of books and swear not to buy again until I finish them all no matter how much I know why these books are still being unread? And that they failed to light me up and connect to my soul? Am I the only one who secretly hopes that one day, I can force myself to read them? Is saying I will stop buying books the same with saying that I don’t want to live anymore because just living without learning and evolving amounts to nothing? In this life where happiness is being frowned upon, what is right and what is wrong and who decides that they are right or wrong?

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 

Please share if you liked it.

 

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Why It’s Okay to be Unapologetically You: Self-Love Lessons Learned from Blogging

blogger lifestyle

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A Facebook message from a fellow blogger read something like:

 

Your website and articles are good but you must have a niche.”

 

I didn’t respond. I kept my one-blog-post-worth of answer in my head.

 

Having a niche will limit the scope of things I can talk about and really I don’t want to only be able to talk about one thing. I want to be able to talk about how I thought the clouds are following me when I was a child and that to be a mermaid was all I ever dreamt of no matter how much open water terrifies me.

 

I want to be able to talk about all the random little things.

 

I mean it’s okay to be able to just talk nonstop about one single topic and to create another blog that will talk about other things too but I didn’t want that.

 

I trust that if I have readers, they are well rounded individuals who can keep up and would also want to be able to let loose and dream freely.

 

I am sure that my readers, if I have any, also have thousands of random thoughts and I’m sure they want  to feel that it is normal. It is okay to be carried away by our daydreams.

 

Another goes like this:

 

Your article’s point is good and clear. I am an English teacher and it gives me headache to see misplaced punctuation marks and syntax errors. I don’t want to call your attention on this and make you ashamed about your writing by pointing out the mistakes but I want to help if you like and if it’s okay, I will copy the article from your website and proofread it. I will send you the edited version on Friday afternoon.”

 

I replied with so much gratitude. I am not so particularly strict when it comes to these punctuation marks and I am not a native English speaker neither so I’m sure that there will be a lot of mistakes. I just feel pure bliss when I write and I share it. Even if I have Yoast Plug in for SEO stuff, I still ignore it most of the time. I want to be able to write as I please. This is also why I feel so humbled when someone writes to me and comments on my post. Because I write as if no one will read it. I am now only writing for myself. If truth be told, I post and run. Writing became a very important part of my healing. Writing has helped me to disconnect. Writing has been a huge part of my personal growth and development.

 

A couple of Friday afternoons passed and I still didn’t receive the edited copy like what the Syntax expert promised. I would think that the message was just a spam but how can it be a spam when it was sent as a Facebook private message to my private Facebook account? I still want to think that she is a concerned citizen who wanted my grammar to be perfect for the world to see. Maybe the world’s entire problem depended on it. I should not think that she just wanted to remind me that my writing sucks. After all, I am open for criticism because that’s how I will improve.

 

You should be in New York and then London and then other countries.”

 

“But mine is not a travel blog.” I replied. Then no answer.

 

If I will be honest here, just traveling and nonstop exploring already lost its appeal to me. I want to be able to do something that has meaning. I want to be aligned with my truth. I want to be able to spend my life with purpose. I want a life that will allow me to be the person God has designed me to be.

 

Mark Manson, the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, was right. After traveling so much, a new country will not add so much value anymore.

In fact, being on the road since 2014 is tiring. It has started wearing me off. I just wanted to be at home whenever I can, feed my soul, grow some roots and be part of something with great value. I am still traveling, am I not? Slow travel that is. After all, what am I still running away from?

 

A Pinterest message included a link of a course on how to use Pinterest to generate income. The same person who wanted to help me with it sent it as I started it in July. She offered to be my Virtual Assistant for free in exchange for a review of her performance. I was deeply touched.

I am clueless about how it works and seeing other accounts made me really stressed and pressured. I was tempted to accept her offer but I realized how much learning I will miss if someone will do it for me.

 

While it will be incredible to have my passion the sole source of my income, I really wanted to learn everything I can from it.

 

I don’t want to skip anything.

 

I am willing to see what works and what doesn’t.

 

I know that I will feel it when I have reached a point where I will need extra pair of hands. I was tempted to take the course and other courses that promised to generate hundreds of thousands of views and thousands of dollars income. Again, I want to be able to say that I did something for myself. So I’m very happy to say that though I only earned 3.15 Euros on my third month of blogging, I feel like a millionaire. I am not in a hurry to earn money from it. To have a creative outlet for a hobby is more than okay and to be paid just one cent for doing it, I will be ecstatic!

Web Hosting

I might have only earned 3.15 Euros but it’s okay. I am enjoying the slow process of growth and with all the other things I have learned in my three months of blogging, I feel like I have won the lottery.

 

And most importantly, if there’s one thing I have learned from blogging, that is to be unapologetically me.

 

Please share if you liked it. =)

 

 

Blog income report

 

Blog income report

 

 

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Self-Care Giveaway Winner Announced!

As promised, the winner of  Self-Care Giveaway will be announced today, 18 August 2018.

 

It was not an easy task to choose who will take this self-care loot home.

 

 

 

 

 

I’d like to thank everyone for your time and effort.

I am overwhelmed by your love and support. I will be forever grateful.

 

Since it broke my heart to just choose one winner…

 

I decided to make it two.

 

Congratulations to:

 

 

Katrina Cebreiros

 

and

 

Lyka Balanquit.

 

 

Please keep an eye on your E-mail. You will be personally contacted via E-mail.

 

Again, thank you so much and I hope to see your entries in the next giveaway.

The Love We Give: Self-Care Give Away.

 

What do we do with the love we receive?

 

For me it’s very easy. I pass them on.

 

My blog is new and to celebrate my first month of sleepless nights, frustrations, disappointments, crazy ups and downs, and mostly, all the love I am receiving, I am giving away some of the little things that make me happy and stress free. The journey has not been easy (and it is not yet easy) but I am celebrating every little successes. And I am now old enough to say that this is a practice of self- care. I am doing the best in my ability. I am enough.

 

I’m a bubble bath addict (If it is not bad for the skin and hair, I will definitely do it every single day and not just once a week.) and I always find it relaxing when I apply facial and hair mask,  light some candles up and soak myself in the tub. I will finish it with a Vegan Lavender soap and a nice smelling body lotion  and later on, a rich hand creme.

I know it was and still will be a rough ride that’s why I bought a little more than I should of my “pamper me” staples and I am giving some of them to you, my lovely reader. It is open worldwide. This is not a sponsored post and please watch out for more.

 

 

 

These will be yours when you:

  1. Subscribe to my blog, check your E-mail and confirm subscription.
  2. Follow my Instagram, Pinterest account or like my Facebook Page.
  3. Tag five of your friends.

For every share, you will get additional entry. Deadline for entries is on Friday, 17 August 2018. The winner will be announced on the blog on Saturday, 18 August 2018.

 

 

Over To You! 

 

I’d love to know what you do to practice self care.

 

 

 

 

How Not To Write “About Me” in Your Website Page.

Yeah Sure! I have endlessly ranted about the scarily intimidating technical side of blogging and website designing and building. Not only that, I have confidently declared my love for talking about how passionate I am about writing only for it to slap me hard in the face when I accidentally clicked on my “About” page. It’s not only empty. It’s rubbish. Looks like I need to also declare my inability to write something about myself.

While I’ve been scribbling almost about other things I am passionate about, I couldn’t do the same about myself without really asking who really I am. I’m self centered right? Then it should be the easiest page to fill but it isn’t without sounding that I am so full of myself. I typed non-stop. Paused to read it and then angrily jabbed at the innocent poor backspace button. Blank space again. I wasted more than half an hour of my precious time when I can use that time in figuring out how to improve my blog’s traffic. I started typing again to describe me in second person. It was a bit easier this. I stopped and read it. Control A. Delete. Great! I have a new routine. I have successfully mastered the art of wasting my time.

 

This made me think. Is this how clueless I am about my own self? Is this how I loathe myself? Why do I need to do astral travel just to be able to see myself in such an acceptable way even for my own liking? How will I be able to give myself some justice? Will I come off as too boastful in my choice of words or for the length of this page? If I couldn’t write it, who should I ask to do it? Who knows me better than I do? Clearly, I have confidence issues no matter how much I say that I have gotten rid of it. Were all my efforts to know and love myself better not working? It turns out that like my

blog, I am still under construction.

 

What are your struggles in writing “About” page? Sure I need sound tips.

Winter and friend called Depression

Dear Diary,

I walked aimlessly again despite the butt-freezing weather. It’s dark, cold and the streets are wet due to melting snow. Of course I’m shivering, Diary. Aside from the fact that I am a bonafide sunworshipper, I despise wearing jeans/ pants which basically made all my clothes inappropriate for winter. I’m also scared that one of these days somebody will mistake me for a lunatic and send me to a nuthouse. I’m starting to think I’m a hopeless case.

 

Diary, winter depression is true. Proven. I have read long ago that people who live in tropical countries are generally happier people. I didn’t believe that sh*t Diary. I was under the impression that tropical countries are mostly developing countries and was then convinced that lack of money can’t make a person happy so there’s no way that I can agree to that. Do good in school, get a decent high paying job (better beyond Philippine shores) and have a more comfortable ordinary and predictable life. Diary, I used to believe that because it’s what has been programmed in my brain.  At least what I was “in a way” forced to. Society. Conforming. Norms. Those sh*tty stuff Diary.

 

But I still dreamed of experiencing life in first world countries. This time, not to be financially but spiritually rich.

 

Diary, do you know how people in first world countries (e.g. Singapore, Germany) throw fit when they feel even the slightest inconvenience? That is unbelievable! The Village Girl inside me was dumbfounded and culture-shocked. They showed me what I don’t want to become Diary. This is not to say that everyone of them are walking monsters but this is just a mere observation. I picked up the good values I saw and ignored the worst ones I’ve seen. I now have a strong basis for comparison and most importantly, source of entertainment.

 

Philippine system is maddening that almost everyone wants to make their way out. Nevertheless, Filipinos remain to be hardworking, patient, warmhearted, hospitable, humorous, rant less and has a ready smile to offer to everyone. This is also not to say the every Filipino is a saint. I was just probably searching for something that feels familiar that can cure winter blues. I was looking for the eternal source of sunshine and I can only find that inside me. I have issues and the cold weather isn’t much of a help. It just aggravated and heightened everything. This lack of sunshine is making me feel something heavy in my heart but I can’t find the words to describe it. It is worse than PMS. So even if I am at my happiest, I still will feel down. No wonder almost everyone I see looks like as if they are wearing wrong size of undergarments. Now I know the importance of sun’s harmful rays and physical activities during this time of the year.  I still don’t know where I want to live but for now I will enjoy my new found happiness with coats and boots.

Never a Size Zero

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I have always been what they say; a bouncing baby girl. Literally. From the time I was born until the time I am writing this.

I never had self confidence or at least before adulthood hit me. I stopped obsessing about the cottage cheese that camped in my thighs and rolls on my tummy.

In a culture where being fat seems like a crime, it was very hard to love one self and the flaws that come with it.

Our people seemed to base beauty in the Photoshopped glory of the magazines I have grown to love for its useful tips and then the ones that made me loathe my body’s inability to become size zero no matter which diet I try and no matter how much sports I do.

I was nearly 225 pounds when body consciousness hit me. I was freshly out of the University and I know that I needed to do something about it. My jeans keep on ripping and my mom kept on telling me how horrible I look like with my almost exploding cheeks and thunder thighs. I never really cared about it because I know I have something between my ears and when I was in school, it was more important.

Losing weight got a lot easier when I moved away from home where I needed to work all day and cooking all the time seemed a heavy task. I was independent since a very young age but since it was just school I needed to do and to look after my two brothers, I never bothered. My parents were away to earn a living for us to be able to afford really nice universities to acquire quality education.

My brothers kept telling me I am beautiful. I believed them so I matched their eating and drinking skills until I didn’t notice obesity has already taken over me. I never cared. All I cared for was the fun I used to have. I got hooked to experimenting in the kitchen and the more that I got hooked to binge eating. I have learned to laugh at myself, make people laugh, fake confidence and look good too. I focused instead on how to look good even if I was obese. I never cared about snide comments.

I was once young.

It became a different story when I started living alone and far from my family who always enjoyed cooking and eating together. I lost some weight and got addicted to losing more. I counted calories and almost got scared of eating though I was running and dancing everyday to break a sweat. There were days I will just black out for a moment. I was rushed to the hospital few times for low blood sugar and pressure. I wasn’t eating enough and I know it but I wasn’t ready to do anything about it. I ate lesser and lesser and did more workouts though everyone kept telling me that I already lost so much weight and that I shouldn’t be worrying too much about it. My hair stopped growing. I would easily get bruised and would stay for days. I still refused to eat. I was in denial that it hit me bad in the head. I got scared to eat thinking I would return to 225 pounds.

I was often rushed to the hospital for almost fainting. I would run without eating and will refuse to eat even few hours passed. Nobody was convincing enough for me to believe that I have lost tons of weight and I should not fear food anymore. Even the doctor told me that my bones are really big so I will not really be stick thin. I still refused to believe and continued what I called healthy lifestyle but in fact, it was really hardcore dieting. I even began to secretly judge people who weighed like I used to as if I wasn’t obese before. I was conceited and proud of the lost I had. I shopped for more and more outfits that will make me look good after all those pounds I shed. I lost weight but mostly, I lost brain. I stopped eating carbs and it is the brain’s food. No wonder I started acting like an airhead. Well, more of like a douche-bag. This didn’t change even after I moved to Malaysia. I maintained a very active lifestyle and secretly judged all the others and swore I will never be fatter again.

I was twenty nine when my life lost meaning. Or maybe I should say, it lacked the texture I wanted it to have. I am not just born to count calories, pay bills then die right?

 

I found myself in Germany to lick the wounds I have been hiding from everyone. I started emotional eating and was just saying that I love sausages and beer and cheese but in reality, it is the only thing that gave me comfort. I couldn’t understand what I am going through and I didn’t have sufficient words to express what I want and how I feel. Maybe my family wanted to understand me to give me the support that I need but I resorted to silence. I started regaining the weight that I have worked so hard for losing. With the weight that I have regained came profound education and new purpose in life that I have found. I stopped caring too much about how I look or how much I pounds I gained as long as I feel good about myself. So harsh comments from fellow Filipinos like “Maganda ka sana eh. Ang taba mo lang.” (you’re pretty but you’re fat) doesn’t bother me anymore.

Adulthood came with more freedom like expressing and loving myself. I no longer seek validation and if someone demands explanation and drains my energy, I’d just walk away in silence and spend time in solitude, read books and meditate. There are just so much to learn to waste time hanging out with people who can’t seem to get rid of their blinders. I’m beautiful! Deal with it!

Please share if you like and together, let’s stop body shaming.

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About Us

 

Dani is a plus sized Filipina ADHD kid, recovering shopaholic, alcoholic and workaholic. She doesn’t take herself seriously. She has an insatiable wanderlust, out of this world food cravings and goof addiction. If she is not busy planning her next adventure, she will be spotted taking OOTDs and OOTNs. She took a break from the crazy corporate world to see the real one. This is not another travel blog. This is her journey to self discovery, embracing flaws and feeding her soul of what sets it on fire. She is out to prove that life begins at the end of the comfort zone.

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