What could a poor, third world village girl know about path in life?
I was 29 when my great depression hit me.
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I thought I had all what a girl could ever wish for.
I was working as an expat in Malaysia and could do whatever I wanted to do, buy whatever I wanted to have and travel wherever I wanted to.
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Few months before I went MIA from a job that I thought I wanted, I was in Bali.
It was what everyone has been raving about so of course, I must see it. It will look good on my Instagram and Facebook.
Everyone wanted to be there. The night life is incredible. The beach is pristine. The view is just breath taking. But not to me and I couldn’t justify it.
Bali is beautiful. What was boiling inside me, wasn’t.
No matter how beautiful the sunset in Tanah Lot was, I couldn’t explain the melancholy. It was like I was numb the entire time that I was there. I just couldn’t explain it.
I went back to my usual routine after that last string of nearly a month of backpacking but one thing was already certain: I couldn’t stay in my little cubicle anymore.
I remember, the fact that our office was sharing a building with Hilton Hotel thrilled me. I would normally have my coffee by the window of our pantry just to look at the hotel’s swimming pool below us. That never failed to do the trick. It never failed to make me feel refreshed to go back to work again.
But not this time.
Later that I realized that these were signs that I was not in the right path in life.
Loathe Mondays
The first red flag was when I started hating Mondays or any start of the work week and any sign that I will need to be at work again.
I have been forcing myself to look forward to something like a new dress, a new pair of shoes or activities after work. But work itself, no.
I was lucky to have enjoyed the company of my colleagues but it is the job. It is different. It doesn’t spark any joy inside me and that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t go on another day or week or month anymore.
Irritated easily
I was chirpy, happy-go-lucky and really loud. I used this to be good in servicing our customers. I got compliments which meant an hour off for every compliment that I would get. But during those days, I would snap at our customers. I would answer impolitely.
My number of complaints went up, my number of absences and tardiness increased and I just couldn’t find other fitting words to justify why I was behaving in such way. I was lying to my boss and to his boss.
My boss was just so kind and patient to me. I know that he knows that I am a hard-worker. He would defend me until he could but my attitude wasn’t acceptable anymore, at least to me.
Empty
No matter where I went, with whom and number of activities I did, I just wanted more. I just wanted to have that kind of exhaustion that will make my entire body tired enough to knock me out at night so I will not be able to feel that void.
I would surround myself with different people every night but I just couldn’t tell exactly what was wrong and I wasn’t sure if anyone would be able to understand me if I would open up. It looked like all the others didn’t have to deal with such hallow feeling.
I was forcing myself to be just like everyone else hoping I will not feel that kind of emptiness if I blended well.
Unsatisfied with life
My salary was more than enough to support myself and all the luxuries I was used to but I never seem to stop in looking for more.
I kept on shopping for clothes and I hated to be seen wearing something twice.
I would count the number of shoes, bags and dresses I have during my little spare time and would go and try the endless bars. I never cared how I would be able to come home even if I had to work the following day.
I would drink until I could or even until I couldn’t anymore. Until one of my friends needed to literally drag and push me inside a cab just to make sure that I would make it home safe.
I changed minds easily. I was the most impulsive person I know. I never thought twice about doing something. I looked for cheap thrills and instant fixes.
Unanswered Questions
“Who am I?” “ Why am I here?” “What is life really about?” “Where am I going?” “What motivates me?” “Do I have purpose?” “What will happen to me in the future?” “Do I just do this over and over and then what?”
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I wanted to kick myself for having so much questions. I wanted to kick myself for having so much energy to even ask. Why do I even ask? Why can’t I just go on with my job, activities and not think so much?
Why there aren’t people asking these? Why can’t I seem to find the answers?
I know, no one really knows the answer to these questions but if you are in the right path in life, then whatever answer you come up with your questions, you will be okay.
You always feel tired
My experience with depression told me that the physical and intellectual aspects of life aren’t the only things that matter.
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I have managed to lose nearly half of my weight, I managed to look good from the outside but still felt that something was rotting inside me.
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I felt that there is an open wound that’s making me bleed to death.
When I reached my lowest low, I realized that what I thought of just simple unanswered questions in my head isn’t tiring. This is where I realized that my mental, spiritual and holistic health matter too and if I will be honest, they matter more.
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If you feel that you need more time to rest even if the amount of your physical activities aren’t that much, it’s time to do a life audit. You are headed in the wrong direction.
You are not tired. You are not inspired and not motivated.
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Unclear Dreams, Goals and Future
When you are in the wrong path in life, you’ll feel that your existence is just to make a living.
You will set aside answering questions like “What is your ultimate dream?” or “What are your goals?” I mean what are the real ones if money is no object?
You change your mind often. You will more likely to settle just because you need to survive.
You will not sit and really ask yourself what makes you happy and even if you do, you will tell yourself to forget it because it is not going to happen anyway.
When the topic that includes the future comes up, you don’t see it. It’s blurred. You know it’s because every bone in your body is telling you that this is not what you wanted.
Low Self-esteem
When someone praises me, I question the intention.
What does the person want from me? I know the manner of my upbringing will be questioned here but its the truth. Maybe I was never given the right kind of praises growing up in a poor family of farmers because to look good is not the main objective.
The family’s main objective is not to work in the farms anymore and just sit in the comfortable corporate world.
But because from the village, I was sent to a private school without warning me that kids who go to that school have a different culture, I got to thinking that I will never be able to fit in. I didn’t know that culture can clash too even if it’s just in the same town.
We firmly believe that education will stand us a chance in life but this education didn’t give me enough trust in myself. I needed a different kind of education. I needed an education that will cure my low regards for myself.
A robot in the making
You hardly have time for yourself and for little pleasures. Your priority isn’t yourself. You wake up, prepare to work, work, go home, remember to pay the bills and tend to your family.
You are on auto-pilot.
Your routine has been the same for years. You despise it. You want to change it but you just don’t know how.
In your little spare time, you stalk your favorite Instagrammer then you resume to living your life according to your routine.
You just feel it
No matter what you do, you just feel deep down that there is no alignment between what you want and where you are in life. You know deep down that you are just anchoring on the safe shore.
You don’t believe in yourself, in what you can do, what you can achieve and how you can change your life.
You don’t believe in the beauty of your daydreams. You’d rather struggle inside than to risk being in a very uncomfortable situation.
You resist the chance to grow.
You resist to give yourself the chance that for once, you are doing something for yourself and not for anybody else.
I know life isn’t easy. It isn’t about butterflies and unicorns but it is beautiful.
But sometimes, we are too caught up with all the things that make us busy that we wonder how we reached a point where we didn’t know what happened.
Let these ten signs be your reminder to do a self check before things get out of hand.
I know, you know deep down inside you what you want. You just haven’t found the right words and courage to express it.
Girl, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. I’ll be happy to meet you there. =)
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This is a deep message, but nicely put in words. I think that I really find myself into this article and I hope to do something about it soon. Nice one!?
Thank you so much and I hope you find it too. =)
Wow, wow , wow… it’s as though you are a fly on the wall in my own life. Thank you for not being ashamed to speak your truth. I pray that I will have the boldness to step out. To meet you at the end of my comfort zone.
Jade
Hi Jade,
I have always been ashamed to speak my truth but I strongly felt the need to set myself free and that meant speaking out. I believe in Maya Angelu’s “nothing is more painful than an untold story”. One day you decide to step out of your comfort zone, let me know. I am happy to meet you there. Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to me. =)
Xo,
Dani
Wow, this really hits home. I’ve always felt that way. For me it’s when I’m traveling I feel my best.
Thank you for this. I’ve been living in Spain and been thinking everyday
What’s wrong with me. Why am I not happy? This is Barcelona!
This was a good read for someone like me 🙂
Hi Namrata,
I am sure nothing is wrong with you. I am very sure that you are closer to be in alignment with your true calling in this life. Keep pushing and you’ll be on the right path before you know it. Enjoy Barcelona and thank you for reading. Means a lot to me. =)
Thank you! That’s very kind of you! All the best with your life as well 🙂
Hi Annette,
I am glad that this resonated with you. Keep doing what makes you feel good. If it’s traveling, go for it. Safe travels. =)
Hi!!
I just got back from a trip, 7 days away, for first time in over 20 years… City i was in, person i met there, that felt like right place to be..
But return to my home had to come.
Your post made my eyes even more open about how deep inside i need to change something and really start being happy, not only learning to be satisfied with situation im in.
Id like to know, did u make steps towards your change, what u did? Asking, cause i cant find any help on what to do.
Thank you
Hi Sandi,
Thank you so much for reaching out and I hope you had a blast in your recent trip.
For me it is quite the other way around. I did things first before I asked myself what I was doing and what do I really want to do with my life.
I have written a post about this the other day since I kept receiving questions like this.
Here is an excerpt
For three years, I have asked myself questions like “How does my dream life look like?”
“What will I be doing if money is no object?”
“What is this life about?”
“Which will I regret more one day? Wondering what could have happened had I given myself the chance to really dream or not doing it all?”
“How will I find out if I will not give it a try?”
and here is the link:
https://thisvillagegirl.com/how-to-find-your-passion-and-live-the-life-of-your-dreams/
I hope you find it useful and if you have questions, my lines are always open. =)
This is completely true. It’s important to have direction in life. This post is great. Enjoyed reading it?
Thank you so much for reading. =)
Hi,
This is a great article! I can rely so well!
My question know is how did you got our of it? How did you find your dream? I feel right know as if I would be living from day to day without finding a dream, a goal which I want to achieve.
Thank you so much for reading Isi and for reaching out.
It wasn’t an easy process for me to really find out what my dreams are. I needed to fight so hard for it. For three years, I asked myself everyday questions such as “what is my dream life? What will I be doing if money is no object? What are my childhood dreams before society and even my family has told me what I should be. I quit my job without money and plan B. I picked up odd jobs that would help me pay the bills but at night and all my spare time was spent learning skills that would support my dream life where I can be paid for my passion. I became mindful of how I used my time. I did life audits and self checks every single day. I wrote everything down until I found out what I really wanted out of this life. Be patient with yourself. You will find it. =) Wishing you all the best and remember that my lines are always open if you have questions. =)
xo,
Dani
This posts resonated so much with me! I’ve been through a period like that when I was just on the wrong path and going in the wrong direction. Hating Mondays was a big sign for me. Even Sundays became depressing at the end because it was the day before Monday. I also tried to fill the void with shopping, without even realising. And it impacted my health quite a bit…
I can totally feel you. It really affects our health. I am happy that you have found it. cheers to the beautiful life we create. =)
This post really spoke to me. I feel as though I could have written the large majority of it myself. At the moment I know I am on the wrong life path for me. I am making gradual changes, I have plans for bigger changes coming up but it all takes time and planning.
That is true and with planning, go for it. Don’t be like me who just went for it. But the pain and hurt are so worth it. I wish you luck girl. =)
Me too. I like it. Am reminded on the basic things to follow in life
Every time i have a direction in life it changes. Im 53 and not sure what to do.i want to move to seattle but dont have the money. My dream job is to be a telwphone operator but that went out in the 70 s. I thought about bwing a master gardener but aomething always happens so I cant make the schedule. Now with the pandemic i cant do anything and totally frustrated. Feel like i will die without having done anything i wanted.
I am all of these things and more. I studied do hard, wasted so much money and got the job! Then fell harder than I ever thought I could. Now I’ve been off sick for 6 months and feel panicy at the thought of walking back into a job that, ultimately, I don’t feel passion for anymore.
– Nyxie
nyxiesnook.com
I totally felt that panic too and there are days that I still can feel it. But it serves as my motivation now to keep on pushing. You are such a strong person. Cheers! =)
Ate OMG your blog posts hit right in the feels. I hope you have found your path. I’m on my way to find mine ???
thank you so much for reading, Jan and I am glad it resonated with you. I have found it. Finally. and goodluck on your journey. =)
I need help ! I reached a point where nothing interests me. Not even reading. How will I get rid of this boredom and enjoy life more???
Hi Shanny. I hope you are well. I get you. I have been there a lot of times. But I’d say to use this time to really ask yourself what will bring joy in your life. What do you really want? What feels like love? What makes you excited? Answer these without considering money. Write your answers and and write them honestly. Then work towards what it is that spark joy inside you. For starters, I have written an article about how to stop wasting time that you might find useful. I recommend reading there but it is okay to not want to read. It is important to be kind to yourself and stop forcing yourself to be intrested to things just so you’ll say that you are being productive. Here is the link. https://thisvillagegirl.com/how-to-stop-wasting-time-and-make-2019-your-best-year-ever/. I hope you find it useful. ♥️
Hi Dani. Jea here from Kl, Malaysia. I found your article exactly what i feel now. I feels like im talking to myself whenever i read every single sentences you wrote. Thanks for the great articles, this help me a lot.
Ive been looking and searching for what is missing in myself after quite sometimes but i just don’t have any idea what is wrong with myself untill i found yr articles related to my situation now.
I hope i can meet you one day bcz i am one of adhd kid also. I bet we understand each othet better. Despite, i am now improving myself and not giving an excuse for having ADHD as a failure in my life.
Thanks again love.
Hi Jea. Thank you so much for reaching out and reading. I love KL so much. It is my second home. 🙂
Having ADHD isn’t bad. I realized it’s gift that needs to be used. It is okay to feel like that. It’s normal. I would still say that it’s a gift. Use this emotions to explore and learn about yourself. You’re done with the first step, to acknowledge. The rest will be the interesting part, self exploration and growth. Understand and love yourself and you’ll see. It will all make sense. I wish you joy Jea. ❤️
Hi Dani
This is so me! Spent so many years on autopilot due to PND and came out the other side but now plagued with depression. At a time where I should be embracing getting back to my own life (kids are grown) I feel lost again. I’ve only experienced adulthood as a mother as I was a teen mum.
Things I thought I’d enjoy, I don’t. Don’t leave the house unless I have to. Enthusiasm comes and goes in record time.
I’m working hard to step out of my ‘not-so-comfortable’ comfort zone.
Thank you for this post, It’s comforting to know it can be done. I shall be scouring your site for more pearls 🙂 x
Thank you so much for this, Siobhan. This comment means a lot to me and to know the fact that I am not alone having these thoughts and that it is normal to go through this no matter how much we all seem to avoid difficult to handle topics. I know you are already on your way. I know you will figure it out. I know you’ll find your way to happiness. Please know that my lines are always open. You are not alone on this. =)
I needed this today! Thank you ☺️
Thank you too. =)
Thank you Danny for the advice. It really helped me a lot. Looking forward to more great posts from u. U r really an inspiration ?
Thank you so much. You can always ask questions. My lines are always open. =)
I wish more people could read this to know the signs, and know the signs are not normal.
Thank you so much for reading and feel free to share it with People you care about. they might also ned it. 🙂
All of the signs apply to me. What happens when we just feel to tired to think. I have no idea how to change my path. It is a lost sinking feeling.
Hi Michelle,
I hope you are well.
I know that tired feeling.
This is the first step, to bravelz acknowledge the fact that you are lost. It is verz important that you rest and take this time to also ask and even observe yourself. When are you truly happy, what feels like love and what can you do each day to Change it. the Littlest Thing helps. I have written an article About how I reinvented myself and it took three Long years to figure out what I really want to do with my life and what makes me really happy.
here is the link. https://thisvillagegirl.com/the-exact-10-steps-i-took-to-kill-the-old-me-a-self-reinvention/
I hope it helps. My lines are Always open if you need advice or just to be able to talk About it. I wish you all the best. I know you will find it. 🙂
Thought you were reading my mind. I hope to find myself soon.
I am glad that this resonated with you and I am sure that you will find it. Enjoy the process and your progress. I am here cheering up for you. =)
Hi there, thank you so much for this, you hit the nail on the head for exactly how I have been feeling for a long time. However, in the past few months I have found my passion, and am working on it, but am frozen in fear on how to take the plunge. I know I need to “just do it” but with no support, accountability or encouragement, I keep finding excuses to put it off. So where do I go from here?
You are very inspiring.
Love and best wishes to this community
Sharron
Hi Sharron,
Happy Saturday and thank you so much for reaching out.
You found your passion and this is the best thing. You have unlocked the most important thing there is in this life. It took me three years to be clear on what I really love to do and started from scratch in a different country again. I have known it since I was young but all I could ever do was to keep on doing what I was told to do because of fear and because I didn’t have the right education to pursue my passion. I have a degree but I was never taught how to use my knowledge properly. When I left my job with no savings, I was scared too. I took the plunge and cornered my fears. I have explored myself and stick to the version of myself that I love. I keep on trying and learning every single day. I keep teaching myself. Sharron, you are not alone. Start asking yourself questions like “what will I be doing if money is not an object?”. Start writing your thoughts, dreams, goals and hopes down. Start reading. Start hanging out with people who speak the same language as you. Hangout with people who are living wholeheartedly. If there aren’t around you, don’t worry. Read. Listen to podcasts. If anything, I don’t want you regretting not starting earlier. I had a lot of excuses too and I procrastinate a lot but one thing is for sure, I have only one life and I don’t want to live it being told what to do and die inside every single time.
You don’t have to quit your job to do what you’re passionate about. Just make time for what you’re passionate about and trust me, one day, you will be able to what you’re passionate about full time. =)
As they say, the Universe listens.
Wishing you all the best, Sharron. My lines are always open . =)
Warmest regards,
Dani
Really i always think that i m not happy something is missing in my life.there is no peace.that should be.this intolerable situation i can’t handling.it is really painful
Hi Anjali,
Thank you so much for reaching out. Admitting that you are not in peace and hurting is the first step and it takes a lot of courage to do that. I admire you for that. Write all the things that are making you unhappy but don’t forget to write the things that you are happy about. Ask yourself deep questions and remove the things that makes you unhappy. I have written an article about that and here is the link. https://thisvillagegirl.com/10-toxic-things-i-removed-from-my-life-to-finally-be-happy/. I hope it helps. I hope one day you will find your healing and be truly happy. If anything, my lines are always open. =)
All the best,
Dani
I literally just journaled about all these things today! My path is so unclear and I can’t seem to find a new one. Now that I’m more aware of these things hopefully I’ll be able to start making some progress. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Dani,
Thanks for sharing this. We arrive at certain points in life that create opportunities. Losing your job for example is an opportunity to reconsider. “If something is done TO you, it is also done FOR you”. But it can also be at times during your “normal” life. The key is to see when you are in this mindset of change. And your pointers are very useful for that (I will read them again). And then act on it …..
So thanks for your help in creating that awareness. Transformation….
Best,
Frans
Hi, Thank you, it feels like you are in my head, reading my racing thoughts. At 60 plus, one is supposed to be settled, enjoying life… yet I feel restless, seeking answers,at times happy in my spirituality, then guilty that I’m not content. I battle to find a balance between being a householder and finding my true self…where did time go?
I loved this article & especially how you integrated your story! I related to this more than I had hoped, but I’m trying to make the change. The unknown definitely is putting my dreams on pause & the struggle of pleasing everyone but myself has me resentful. I feel like I’m not respected because I’m not respecting myself by placing & sticking to my boundaries. I started applying for my dream jobs & have 3 interviews lined up so I’m hopeful. I hope that after these interviews I will be able to say I’m on the right path & then start working internally to match the external positivity. Thank you so much for sharing this was truly an eye opener!
You literally, read my mind..
This is very me. I live in a cage like this. Im alive but I am not living it. I know what I want, what I can. What people see in me is what they want from me, what I can do for them.
I am not happy.
I lost 10 years of my precious life because I was too afraid to make changes to it. About a year ago I made a list what I want in my life and what makes me happy. The other list I made was what I have to do to gain my new life.
Then my parents died, first mother and then father this year. They had a small flat in a small village and now I live in that small village, my husband lives in town (60 miles away). This can be the end of our marriage (30 years), but at least I can look at the mirror and say: Good girl, you did it! I am so proud of you! And thank my parents, too, because they made this possible to me.
“May the Force be with you!”
Hi,all that questions regarding of life purpose and what makes me happy are very familiar to me and I don’t have an answer yet. I think I would love to travel but I’m not sure. I feel a little lost. At the moment it’s fine but I feel like it’s more than that. I don’t understand how many people can make no worries about that as you said.
I was exactly there last year. I confirm it is exactly like that that I felt. After 4 months off of work, psychologist every week and pills I came back as a new person. I now appreciate every second of my life and accomplish my dreams. I have accomplished more in one year then I did in the last 9 years.
For those who feel like that, do not give up. Take time off and put all clocks at 0 hour to restart.