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It’s almost midnight and I’m oblivious to the fact that I’m grinding my teeth. My brain is on turbo again. Yes Diary. ADHD is attacking. Yes. At this hour.
I opened the window ignoring the cold winter wind from the river that brushed my entire upper body. In few seconds my face will go numb. One last puff I said. Yes diary. I smoked again. I don’t trust myself so much when it comes to swearing to never doing things again. One nasty habit I can’t get rid of. I’m guilty about not being sorry. It felt good. I need it.
Where are we going?
Duh?! Of course Life doesn’t know. It only brings us to where we are supposed to be. Even Fate doesn’t have much say on this but I sense the connivance. They both know all along but won’t admit. Fate isn’t a spoiler though I wish sometimes it gives even a little clue and not leave me in such limbo.
This morning I woke up cursing like a seasoned sailor. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I here? Why did I allow myself to be in this? Will I be like them soon too? I felt alarmed. I want to fly back home ASAP though I have no clue where that is. My head is filled with too much “why’s” and I honestly was too hormonally emotional to be rational. I don’t want to think of answers that will put my brain on fire.
Again, I wanted to run so far away not even my thoughts can find me and I will be honest, I don’t know where that is anymore.
I remember getting off from the bus and seeing how beautiful this place really is. Then I realized I’m studying.
I need to learn what real life is all about. Easy as that and I was reminded how I secretly wished for this lesson to be taught to me. I know learning this way is more painful and heartbreaking. I chose this path to feel more alive then why am I complaining?
Because I felt uncomfortable? Because I felt out of place? “Go Danica! Pack your things and fly back home where it is nice and warm and sunny all year long. Give up on your dreams because they are too impossible to begin with. Give everyone who doubts you a reason to think they are really right to begin with!” It was like a song that played on repeat in my head. It was annoyingly insulting that I struggled too hard to shut it off. Yes. I bitchslapped the bullies in my head. It was hard but I won over it. Maybe next time they attack me I know damn well what to do. But am I the only one in this world who experiences this? Am I the only one who hasn’t figured it out? Am I the only one who hasn’t found which path is for me? Am I the only one who questions the tried and tested path?
Am I the only who hopelessly stare at my unread pile of books and swear not to buy again until I finish them all no matter how much I know why these books are still being unread? And that they failed to light me up and connect to my soul? Am I the only one who secretly hopes that one day, I can force myself to read them? Is saying I will stop buying books the same with saying that I don’t want to live anymore because just living without learning and evolving amounts to nothing? In this life where happiness is being frowned upon, what is right and what is wrong and who decides that they are right or wrong?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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