The following text was written some seven or eight years ago for a blog shared with and managed by my first ex-boyfriend. I was 25 and didn’t have any idea what to do with my degree nor with my life. I couldn’t voice it out. I couldn’t ask someone because nobody asks. They just follow.  

“What motivates you?” The hardest question I was ever thrown. “Why are you here?” “What’s your purpose?” Another question no matter how long I rummage my brain, will not give answers that can even qualify as acceptable. I might need a stash of cigarette and a long swig of booze to contemplate but brace yourself for a tear-jerking comeback I may give.

I’m not rich but I don’t care about money. It will never be my reason for living. It is something I can live without but will be glad to have. It doesn’t have that much appeal to me. Some people collect it and turn it into their god and some spend it like they are the manufacturer (I’m not an exemption). I wasn’t born swamped by it but it didn’t stop my folks to shower me with things it could buy. The credit goes to my parents but the blame should be dumped on me. I got used to the fact that they got my back and will never fail me.

At 25, I feel like a brooding teenager. I’d throw fit if I don’t get what I fancy. All I know is that I want to live each day as it comes. I can’t stand drama and I don’t want stress. I don’t really give a damn about tomorrow. What if today’s my last day then I deprived myself the fun I know I deserve.

But until when will I be like this? I’m not peter pan who’s forever young. Until when will I be reckless?
Until when will I be like a headless chicken running in this rat race? There’s such a thing called balance and that is something I know I should learn to associate with my life.

Future is something i should start mapping out no matter how blurred it looks to me as I write. I can still enjoy without throwing caution in the wind. I don’t want to grow old miserable with heaps of “what if’s” and “if only’s” for not taking life seriously. Reality sucks and the truth is ugly and it’s something I know I’m running away from. Stress is the last thing I want. But this can’t go on for too long. Soon enough I will make a life of my own. Soon enough society will require me a family I should call mine. Soon enough realization will hit me. Soon enough change will haunt me. I’m ambitious and go getter it’s just that I dunno where and how to start. I already got used to the fact that I get all the things I want in an instant and without exerting so much effort. So much for being lucky. This mantra is starting to question my stand on fairness in gender. That in a double standard society like ours, where a girl is always someone else’s daughter and later on someone else’s wife, there should be a ‘me’ in between.

Making my own mark is a must.

I know I should start assessing myself and creating a feasible approach to know what really motivates me.

The answer to this simple question is nowhere to be found at the time being but I’m sure, that in the farthest, darkest of my fickle mind, my whole being is longing for it.

That maybe, the mere fact that I’m already pondering about it, I’ve already launched the quest for what motivates me to serve the purpose of my existence.

Have you ever asked these questions to yourself? Did you get an instant answer? Let me know in the comments below.

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