Dear Diary,

I walked aimlessly again despite the butt-freezing weather. It’s dark, cold and the streets are wet due to melting snow. Of course I’m shivering, Diary. Aside from the fact that I am a bonafide sunworshipper, I despise wearing jeans/ pants which basically made all my clothes inappropriate for winter. I’m also scared that one of these days somebody will mistake me for a lunatic and send me to a nuthouse. I’m starting to think I’m a hopeless case.

Diary, winter depression is true. Proven. I have read long ago that people who live in tropical countries are generally happier people. I didn’t believe that sh*t Diary. I was under the impression that tropical countries are mostly developing countries and was then convinced that lack of money can’t make a person happy so there’s no way that I can agree to that. Do good in school, get a decent high paying job (better beyond Philippine shores) and have a more comfortable ordinary and predictable life. Diary, I used to believe that because it’s what has been programmed in my brain.  At least what I was “in a way” forced to. Society. Conforming. Norms. Those sh*tty stuff Diary.

But I still dreamed of experiencing life in first world countries. This time, not to be financially but spiritually rich.

Diary, do you know how people in first world countries (e.g. Singapore, Germany) throw fit when they feel even the slightest inconvenience? That is unbelievable! The Village Girl inside me was dumbfounded and culture-shocked. They showed me what I don’t want to become Diary. This is not to say that everyone of them are walking monsters but this is just a mere observation. I picked up the good values I saw and ignored the worst ones I’ve seen. I now have a strong basis for comparison and most importantly, source of entertainment.

Philippine system is maddening that almost everyone wants to make their way out. Nevertheless, Filipinos remain to be hardworking, patient, warmhearted, hospitable, humorous, rant less and has a ready smile to offer to everyone. This is also not to say the every Filipino is a saint. I was just probably searching for something that feels familiar that can cure winter blues. I was looking for the eternal source of sunshine and I can only find that inside me. I have issues and the cold weather isn’t much of a help. It just aggravated and heightened everything. This lack of sunshine is making me feel something heavy in my heart but I can’t find the words to describe it. It is worse than PMS. So even if I am at my happiest, I still will feel down. No wonder almost everyone I see looks like as if they are wearing wrong size of undergarments. Now I know the importance of sun’s harmful rays and physical activities during this time of the year.  I still don’t know where I want to live but for now I will enjoy my new found happiness with coats and boots.