Dear Life, where are we going?
I already forgot how many times I asked myself that question that even in the middle of conversation, I would zone out and inside my head, I’d have conversations with people whom I imagined being a part of my life In a dream life so blurred I couldn’t even begin to describe it.
I was lost inside my head that this body didn’t feel mine. I wasn’t at home in my own body that I’d felt moving to different countries every single time would be the answer.
Of course I did that. I thought I wanted to become a digital nomad so I worked my ass off to have a job that I can bring with me anywhere I go and work anytime I want but even after achieving that, I still felt rootless, homeless and not at home inside my own body that I couldn’t have uninterrupted sleep.
That despite being in a serious relationship, I still couldn’t feel that I belong and that I have truly arrived home.
Every time I thought I have found myself, my way , growing, changing my mindset and habits, I still felt like I am failing. I felt that I was not just a disappointment to my parents, to myself but most especially, to the world and to this lifetime for giving me a space to experience this life.
I thought that being in a personal growth journey for years since the time that I left my old life, that a lot has already healed and changed but I was wrong. I was still running on empty and my fears of being alone, failing and not achieving what I wanted were still fuelling me and that was more horrible.
It was only when I found myself single during the pandemic that I realized that being lost in my 30s and hitting the rock bottom is actually not a bad thing. It is actually a privilege to struggle in a way that my eyes opened in a different way and now I can say that being lost in my 30s is actually the best thing that ever happened to me for I wouldn’t be able to find all my gifts and talents and use them in a way that I would feel that I’d be able to at least be able to pay my rent for space that was given to me.
If you feel lost, confused and struggling right now, please know that you are not alone and that whatever you need to overcome this obstacle is already within you. Feel the pain but keep your eyes and heart wide open to not miss the wisdom this is trying to teach you.
Take note of everything. Jut down your thoughts and your realizations. Journaling has helped me so much in coping with my depression and so has blogging. If you want to start your own blog for a creative hobby which you can also monetize, check my other blog out.
If you have questions, topic or guest suggestion, please don’t hesitate reaching out. My lines are always open for you.