How to know if you have healed or already healing emotionally? Are there signs where you can say that your mental health has already improved?
These were the questions that I started asking myself when I started noticing that I didn’t feel the pain like before.
But how did I really know that I have already healed from my depression, trauma, broken heart, unhealthy and toxic habits and the other emotional baggages that I have been carrying and all the intrusive thoughts that made me feel like I was going to make a Guinness World record or even deserving to become an Olympic gold medalist for overthinking?
There were signs that I have already emotionally healed but I wasn’t able to immediately see because I was so used to the pain and was hyper- focused on the heaviness that it seemed like all the conscious efforts I was making to improve my mental health like meditation, daily nature walks, daily movement, eating anti-inflammatory foods, resting, journaling, sitting with my emotions, creating, re-parenting myself, tweaking my morning and evening routine, documenting every little thing that gives me joy, making sure I do more of them and just for once in my life, being so selfish and setting aside all the guilt and shame that came with it and telling myself that I also deserve to exist and live a happy and peaceful life.
With the absence of my constant anxiety attacks, of my constant feeling exhausted and my need to isolate despite the easing of the covid lockdowns, I even asked myself, is it possible that I have healed?
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Where did the pain go? Why was I not overthinking about the past anymore? Why was I not scared of the future anymore?
How long has it been since I didn’t feel pain in chest, anxiety, the unsaid words and conversations that didn’t happen to keep playing in my head? When did the harsh words I used to beat myself up with stop having that effect on me?
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When did my habits start becoming a routine and I didn’t have to remind myself that I was following a strict program for my day? When did I stop writing that list on my journal, on my white board in my work space and when did I stop sticking sticky notes on my wall?
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When did my daily positive affirmations start feeling natural and when did my subconscious understood the reprogramming that I was doing?
When did meditation and journaling start feeling normal part of starting my day like showering, brushing my teeth, putting on fresh clothes and as effortless as breathing?
I needed to make sure so I meditated and spent time alone longer to check with myself and these are the signs that told me that I was already healing emotionally.
I knew I was healing when I no longer hold back in enjoying the foods that I once have thought that are bad for me and would make me gain weight.
I knew I was healing when I shamelessly ask for a bigger size for the dress or clothes that I liked when before, I would kill myself doing hardcore dieting just to fit to medium even if I already know that I have an athletic body type and that I have hormonal balance and stress is very bad for me.
I know I was healing when I don’t guilty about sleeping longer or skipping workouts for long periods of time to give in to what my body was telling me.
I know I was healing when I started thanking each part of my body for allowing me to excel in everything that I enjoy doing. I know I was healing when I don’t get defensive and offended when someone tells me that I have gained weight.
I knew I was healing when I stopped getting offended or triggered by questions like when I will get married or comments that it’s too late for me to have my own child and that no one will take care of me when I grow old. I have come to an age where I realized that getting married and having children aren’t the only life goals.
My worth is not dependent on having a man in my life or not anymore. I have tried a lot of times and the more that I searched for love from other people, the more that I lost respect for myself and self-worth. I knew I was healing when I realized that I have just so much love to give and that I am naturally interested in growing, deep connections, soul conversations, evolving and that I have accepted the fact that not a lot of men are willing to accept that they are not for women like me who does things that please and fulfill her.
I knew I was healing when I realized that if God allowed me and gave me the chance to experience all these beautiful things in my life, I am sure that He’s preparing my soulmate to be able to match my energy and I am excited to hear everything my soulmate has gone through and how he overcame everything.
I knew I was healing when I no longer want to shrink myself to make a man happy in a way that I would ignore red flags just to be able to say that I have somebody. I knew I was healing I no longer want to settle for okay even if I knew that I deserve more.
I knew I was healing when I was actually making a conversation and not scared what the other person was thinking of me. My social anxiety didn’t seem to bother me anymore. I have learned to understand that as long as I know who I am and love what I do, others’ opinion about me will never affect me.
I knew I was healing when I understood that other people will talk about me for five minutes but they still will come home to face or distract themselves from facing their own problems.
I knew I was healing when I was just allowing myself to enjoy life and dismiss my old conditioning that I was supposed to be always making progress or being productive.
I knew I was healing when some memories stopped hurting like they used to and if some still do, I have learned to give myself the approval to go ahead and shed tears for them. I have learned to understand the importance of honoring my big emotions.
I knew I was healing when I started talking about my feelings without crying and if I did actually cry, I felt no more shame. I am human. I am supposed to have emotions and it’s okay to actually feel them.
I knew I was healing when I started training and reminding myself to be kind when I am hurt and offended.
I knew I was healing when I started feeling zero need to rush especially in making decisions and being okay sleeping on things for few days to avoid jumping into anything with the influence of strong emotions which based on my experiences gave me outcomes I wasn’t proud of which also made me realize later on were forms of self-sabotage.
I knew I was healing when I was okay living with a very simple life and that the decision to eliminate a lot of material possessions and even left dead-end relationships were supposed to make me focus on collecting more experiences and wisdom.
I knew I was healing when I find spending time with myself a necessity. I have accepted the fact that unless I become a hermit and live alone in the woods, I wouldn’t be able to completely avoid interacting with and being surrounded by people who are still dancing to the music the society is playing.
I knew that I was healing when I had no more shame in putting my own needs first.
I knew I was healing when I am choosing to improve my argument instead of raising my voice.
I knew I was healing when I realized that no response means a response and that I could reject negative energies by not having to have a response and play dumb.
I knew I was healing when I stopped taking other people’s thoughts, opinions and views about life in general offensive. I have come to realize that it is my assignment to make peace with everything with myself me so that I could listen to what others are saying without being offended and defensive and if I got triggered, it is up to me to find out why I was triggered. I knew I was healing I realized that people aren’t supposed to walk on eggshells when they’re with me for fear of offending me when in fact they’re just trying to make a small talk or telling their stories.
I knew I was healing when I realized that I could spend them with other people and have fun with them and come back to enjoying my time alone without having to be affected deeply by what they have said even if it’s so obvious that they don’t have any idea why they’re saying what they’re saying or why they’re doing what they’re doing and that everyone is facing issues I had no clue about.
I knew I was healing when I have accepted that I could the toxic one sometimes and that I am still learning.
I knew I was healing when I realized that my parents had their own traumas and did their best to give me a life different or even better than what they had.
I knew I was healing when I understood that people are generally good and we are all trying and giving our best.
I knew I was healing when I started doing again the things that I once enjoyed.
I knew I was healing I started healing when I started appreciating the little things more.
I knew I was healing when I noticed that I could actually plan my future once again and started designing what I’d be doing in the next phase of my life.
I knew I was healing when I stopped over-explaining myself.
I knew I was healing when it became clear to me that there’s really no specific destination and that I must just decide to live differently and apply all the lessons I have learned every single day.
With everything that I have tried in my life to “find myself” and how I could live my life with more meaning, peace, contentment, happiness and fulfillment, there was nothing harder than sitting with myself to have honest conversations with myself about why I wasn’t really happy despite seeming to already have everything that a woman or a person could possibly want.
Feeling peace with myself and accepting the fact that I can still be okay, content and enjoy myself amidst all my struggles and despite my flaws was the longest and winding journey yet I am glad I chose this path and that I didn’t turn back when it got really hard. I am happy that this time, I didn’t choose to betray myself by choosing the easy way out.
Indeed, the way out is through. No skipping chapters and no raising the white flag