Mental Health

Alone not Lonely: A New Year Journal Entry

How to be alone but not lonely

Nearly 45 minutes passed since I arrived from my afternoon run.

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It’s cold and gloomy yet my one-hour run made me sweat. I wanted to run a bit more but it was getting dark faster than what I expected. It’s winter.

I was feeling a bit dizzy when I opened the gate. A clear sign of dehydration though I didn’t feel thirsty. I have not cooled down and I still could feel the rush from my run.

I stopped on the front door and started doing jumping jacks. I still could feel the want to go on but I was thinking that water was also a good idea.

I opened the door and walked a bit to take the stairs to the kitchen I am using which is on the second floor.

I opened the door and uttered a soft prayer when the warmth touched my face. I am so glad I closed the windows. I took a glass, turned the faucet on and filled it with water. I drank it then surveyed the kitchen. The sink is full. The two wine glasses from the weekend still there and the dishes piled.

I ignored them. I didn’t want to let the New Year arrive with all my clutter for the fear of the saying in my country that whatever I allow on New Year’s eve, it will be like that the whole year. A whole load crap of bull.

My newfound love for myself says it can wait.

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I took an orange, peeled and ate it as if I didn’t eat anything the whole day. The nuns in the Catholic private school where my mother sent me would roll their eyes at the sight of my unladylike food chomping.

My eyes went to the half empty or maybe almost empty tall can of Pringles beside the oranges. I felt a little guilty but munching on them made me feel good. It’s new year eve and I skipped lunch. Of course I would grab whatever I could see in the supermarket especially if I only had an hour or so to decide which I must buy.

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Also, I only had 20 Euros with me and I long stopped using cards. The stress of stores closing and the little cash I had added to the pressure, hence, the emotional eating. Dear self, I forgive you. You must have not known what you’re doing.

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I opened the fridge to check my sweet potato fries, 2 packs of store-brought pizza, store bought baked potatoes and champagne I bought and planned to eat for dinner.

It felt so good to shop for myself. The inner child inside me that I am befriending is happy. That’s her simple pleasure and I will give it to her. She needs that.

I held the shopping basket like how I held my LV bag in my previous life. You know, before I left it all and started asking why I was given life and couldn’t decide if I should keep it or not countless of times when I couldn’t seem to answer that simple and maybe for you, a crazy and stupid question.

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My life literally depended on that question.

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I closed the fridge and took another orange. I peeled it fast and ate it as if I was drinking an orange juice. I was so thirsty from my run and I had the feeling that whatever fluid left in my brain froze when I was running.

I know. I am not a very huge fan of drinking water no matter how much I love water. I never learned even if I almost collapsed in Cambodia while temple hopping ala Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. Well, yeah, I only went to Cambodia because of that and the sweltering heat of the sun plus my love-hate relationship with water didn’t help.

I know this keeps on branching out here and there but I can’t help it. My brain has a brain or brains of its own that I can’t even hold of it. I even sometimes wonder if it’s mine and if this was the reason why happiness and finding happiness has been quite a challenge.

I never expected that working on whatever’s inside me, the childhood trauma that I couldn’t seem to get over with and the constant seeking of connection, love, warmth, affection and home has an ending. No. Not an ending but a destination. And surprisingly, the destination is just inside me all along but I needed to literally run away from everything and everyone I know just to be able to hear my own voice and actually listen to it.

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I will never forget in Christmas and New Year 2015. I was in Malysia. It was my first year away from my country and I was just not alone, I was also homeless yet I prioritised clubbing, shopping, sports and dating than actually looking for a new place. Then I spent the actual holidays alone, crying but couldn’t tell anybody even the guy I was seeing then.

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This year, I am spending New Year’s Eve alone yet the feeling is not the same any more.

I guess, some things have to happen twice or thrice to check if we learned, if we healed or if we still feel the same way. Or maybe for the Universe to check if we are aware of our own patterns, or heck, of ourselves.

I actually looked forward to running a hot bath, lighting some candles up, taking out my favourite body scrub and lovingly scrubbed off and loved every inch of my body especially those parts that don’t always get enough attention.

I washed and deeply conditioned my hair. I was feeling elated the moment I turned the shower off. I took my time wrapping my hair with a towel and putting cream on my face, body and spritzed my favourite perfume.

I took my favourite sleepwear and glittery wool socks. I was smiling the moment I went back to the couch to decide which series I should watch but ended up turning this little journal entry to a full blown blog post.

I never saw myself actually “working” and alone on New Year’s Eve and would actually be okay with my own company not only because of Corona but because my attempts to fall in love with myself is clearly and finally working. Not that I didn’t get invites. Even my host-mother offered and worried that I would stay at home. Alone.

I have finally arrived home to myself after years and years of constantly and desperately seeking for love, attention and affection when the reality is that, I am the only one who can give that kind of love to myself and no one else.

It has been quite a journey and it has been quite a 2020 but I know I am welcoming the new year with not just a whole heart but a whole sense of being.

Being alone is actually not a bad thing. At this point, it’s bliss.

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